Recently, I had someone ask me how to deal with someone else’s clutter. Specifically, how to deal with a spouse or significant other’s clutter. Since my only housemate  at the moment is a 12-year old boy who hasn’t been alive long enough to become a full-fledged pack rat, I can’t draw from any recent experience to answer the question. However, my “wuzband” as I affectionately refer to my ex, was a rather extreme pack rat and I did an absolutely terrible job of handling the situation. I don’t think it directly contributed to the demise of my marriage but, given my history, I think I will look to other, more knowledgable sources for purposes of this blog.

Professional organizer and national columnist, Julie Morgenstern, does a fabulous job of tackling this sticky issue in her NY Time bestelling book, “Organizing from the Inside Out.” In fact, she devotes an entire chapter to it, which tells me that there are a lot of us in the same cluttered boat. Here is the other Julie’s advice for how to deal with living (or working) with a disorganized person.

FIRST, THE REALITY…

You can’t motivate someone else to get organized.

Yes folks, it’s right up there with quitting smoking, getting to the gym, and losing weight. No amount of nudging, cajoling, threatening or hysteria will motivate someone else to do something they don’t want to do. In fact, as we probably all have experienced at some point, it’s down-right counter productive. What you can do, however, is to gently point out what their clutter is costing them in terms of time, money, energy or self-esteem. The key phrase here is gently … the cattle prod I used was a really bad idea.

Their mess is not a reflection of disrespect.

As much as we all want to think it’s all about us, the truth is that it rarely is, especially when it comes to someone else’s actions or, in this case, their clutter. Like all of us, it’s more about their relationship with themselves than it is about their relationship with you. So stop taking it personally and start trying to better understand the real reasons behind their clutter. It will help you… and them.

NOW… THE SOLUTIONS

1. Codesign shared spaces

This is for those of you who fall into the “can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em category. The key here, however, is that you must successfully convince your spouse/housemate that what you’re about to propose will be mutually beneficial. Point out the many ways  from which you and your relationship will benefit as a result of a clearer living environment.

Next, establish common and private areas. Determine which areas of the house are communal and which belong to each of you respectively. Make a commitment to stay out of the other’s space, no matter how much you want to get in there with a dump truck and a gallon of Mr. Clean. Then figure out some ground rules for the common areas on which you can both agree.

2. Lead by example

The first step in convincing someone else to clear their clutter is to show them how much better your life works as a result of your own clutter clearing. Think attraction not promotion. Let your spouse/housemate approach you in their own time. When they do, be armed with lots of garbage bags and a judgment and criticism free approach. And whatever you do, don’t force them to get rid of things they are not ready to give up. Pay attention to their comfort level and take your cues accordingly. With perpetual pack rats, a lot of baby steps are better than no steps at all.

3. Let it go

In a perfect world, we are clutter free and happy in our relationship. Unfortunately, it may be that these two states of being are mutually exclusive. If your gut tells you that trying to change the other person into a neat freak, albeit lovingly, is going be nothing more than an exercise in frustration, then the best you can do is to get your own life and stuff in order. Let the rest go.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t pick up after them, get really creative about storage, or simply throw a sheet over stuff so you don’t have to look at it.  Just try not to cop a resentment about it because, ultimately, it’s more important to be in love than it is to have a clean coffee table. I can vouch for that.